pam

hello lj,
so.....i think i need to go back to lj since i've been using facebook as an outlet for personal stuff. does anyone out here still update anymore at all?

so today i actually got up at 3pm. that's pretty good for me except i just sat around the house for a while with apple's customer service trying to figure out my ipod problem. so now i'm at the apple store in soho waiting for almost 20minutes. i haven't eaten yet. i wanted to make it in on time to see eyebrow lady, go to the bank, and even see the guy at bar 82 about the gallery opening he was talking about. kevin's waiting downstairs and we may go over to the really really old pub down the street for dinner and beer. i'm getting very impatient and almost wanna just walk out. i hope i still get some laundry and painting done after dinner and the bank.

testing ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

i had an epiphany today while riding on the train. i was inspired at a thousand miles per hour with a thousand brilliant ideas and discoveries about life. now i'm home and too tired to write about it. i will summarize it in keywords to see if i can update on it later. ......restaurant jobs, nice fat guy named phil, karmic groups, figuring out why someone was hostile, sleep deprivation, tripping on floor mats, bitches who hate me before i ever open my mouth and utter a word to them, my crazy schedule getting even crazier. i need to sleep.

good afternoon lj! i never thought i could update from the can. i will write more later.

good morning lj! i can't believe i'm up at this hour. wow my sleeping pattern has been completely thrown off now. i missed work on monday cuz i was sick once again and they asked me if i wanted to come the next day if i felt better. mind you the next day which was yesterday tuesday i was supposed to be off so of course when they called me way before i called them i told them no i was gonna stay home. so i stayed home and tried to do some heavy duty spring cleaning in the winter. i got so much done the first day. i threw out four small shopping bags all full of papers and junk. by day two i built up a bag and a half and lost my steam. i was tackling a bag full of junk mail and paperwork that was fucking literally 4 years old. mind you i found a lot of valuable stuff.

i've been on the phone with my dad now for about 20minutes and i can't focus too well on what i'm typing on this entry.
ok.....we're off the phone now. so yea today i have to go work on the 2nd ave location of my job. i love that location for some reasons, but feel that i'm starting to fucking hate it for others. the reasons for hating it being the fact that i have to deal with a crazy schizophrenic lady that speaks in tounges and shakes when she sees me sometimes. she's just the minor problem though. the bigger problem is this stupid guy that i kicked out of our avenue A location back in april/may. back then i had to call the cops on him and his friend three times in one night because his friend made a crude remark about sucking on my titties like a baby and the fact that he then wanted to beat up the cook. then after that for a few weeks he kept coming back and was smoking cigarettes in the store and getting in the manager's face. he also was trying to piss a guy off into fighting while he was drinking. he talks to himself and according to the old manager he once broke a 40 bottle and was running around inside the san loco and scaring customers with it.

so i got moved to a different location, that is the 2nd ave location where i thought maybe he wouldnt come by. of course there was still a chance since it's only a few blocks away from the avenue A location. anyway around november he saw me as he and his new scumy friend were passing by the window. he came in and just glared at me for a few minutes and then left. came back a week later on the same day i was working and ordered a beer. i gave him a nasty look and he left. then a month passed which was last week and he came up the counter with a fake ass friendly face and ordered a taco. i told him i wasn't gonna serve him and that he had do go. he left. came back a few hours later and asked to a taco once again. this time i had him and gave him lip. he laughed at me and said he wanted to fuck me. that's when these kids that sometimes drink at my job got in his face and dragged him outside to beat him up. he left. i wrote a report about it to my boss and even called on of the main managers to tell him about it. no one seems to care or be doing anything about it. not really. i have to work that location again tonight till late at night and i'm so scared he'll come by. just call the cops some co-workers tell me. it's just freaky having to deal with that in the first place when i'm the one working and i have to kick people out. i'm a woman not a bouncer. i can deal with kicking women out and certain guys, but not big crazy men who are in and out of jail all the time. wish me luck tonight.

wow i can't believe that it's been a little over two months since my last update. so it's 8am and i'm about to go to bed, just trying to keep up with the night schedule pattern. i got sent home sick from work yesterday after being there for a bout 2 or 3 hours coughing and clearing my throat. i worked for two days with a runny nose and the sniffles which got worse on day two and i guess by day three my body just said "fuck you" took the runny nose away and replaces it with a cough. the manager just keep looking at my face and said that you could tell by looking at my face that i felt like shit. yea i was kinda pale with dark circles under my eyes and felt weak and grouchy.

thanksgiving was cool. i visited my family for two days...we ate, watched movies, ate some more. i mean we had thanksgiving dinner and also the next day went out for sushi for dinner and went to a greasy spoon diner for breakfast with my dad. then on saturday i finally left staten island with my brother and sister-in-law. we stopped by my place to drop off a stack of books of mine that were in my dad's shed. he was gonna throw them out and tony salvaged them. my family is convinced that i'm gonna end up like the people in the show hoarders. damn, it's no my fault i didn't turn out a neat freak like them. my whole family keeps their homes as clean as a museum/hospital. wow! i'm getting off the topic, anyway after we left my place we drove over to the city and went to chelsea to check out the new park that was built on the 10th ave high line which had been abandoned. dave actually wanted me to climb it with him a few years ago before it was rebuilt. anyway, we went to some art galleries afterwards, saw some really lame and some really cool exhibits. it put me to shame fore not getting any work done in months other than illustrator crap.

yea so that wasn't enough fun for a day either. after the galleries i swung by the new lomo store on west 8 street to say hi to my old high school friend kate. z, tony and i went to BBQ to get some giant texas sized pina coladas. then i dragged z over to the eyebrow lady right upstairs for some threading. bleh...... no more writting.

i don't know where to begin. i'm feeling so overwhelmed by life right now. there's so many things and it feels like i have so little free time to get it all done in and life keeps slipping me by as i try to do 2 or 3 things. the years pass and i'm stuck in a working rut. dead end jobs, health problems, drama, bullshit. maybe i'm overreacting or being dramatic and every time i log on here it's to go boo-hoo woo is me. it's kinda pathetic and sickening. two days off a week to catch up on everything in life. laundry, piles of crap everywhere, contacting the doctor, painting, drawing, researching alternative medicine,running errands, getting groceries, paying bills, excercise, family, friends i don't know where to begin lately. my boyfriend's no help either since he's been going through some heavy shit, but has slowly been making progress. i need help...financially, emotionally in every aspect. he's coming around a little, but wasn't working or even getting outta be for the longest and if he did it would be to make a huge mess that i have to live with. fucking roach infestations and mice in my closet. how am i really supposed to be inspired to whip out that art work with all this stress? i'm making limits for myself probably. i don't know where to even begin. my work schedule doesn't help either cuz i work nights so when i get home i'll toke up in front of the computer for like two three hours and go to bed and then i just wake up at the last possible minute and run off to work wearing whatever i find on the floor. i also don't get much done when i come home from work cuz dave is sleeping and we live in studio so i have a little lamp on and don't want to wake him up. it feels like i can barely handle life like most people can. what's the solution though? i can barely even make the time to style my hair. just throw a rag on and forget about it.

i'm almost tempted to quit my job and run off to peru for a month or so. yesterday, a couzin that i had heard of who has the very same first and last name as me found me on facebook. we exchanged numbers and had a two hour conversation we just couldn"t stop chatting. it turns out the last time i saw her was when i was 7, she's 11 years older. i don't remember meeting her, but we could not stop talking and now she wants me to go visit her in her beachouse in virginia. i don't know what to do cuz i just started this job 7months ago and i have all these things coming up in the fall that i need time off for. i need to get a colonoscopy done which means asking for a day off and not eating solids for three days while working at a restaurant, i've been invited to another wedding and it's in the dominican republic and i only have 800 to my name. my dad wants me to go with him on a road trip and take time off from work. also old friends want me to meet up with them and call them. i don't know where to even being with everything. i feel like i'm getting covered in a stack of crap i have to get done and can't even handle one thing.

wow, i'm tired and it's so late that it's early again. gotta be back to work by 8pm. off to bed.

i wanna go to a show or do some art work. possibly go hang out with friends somewhere. i need a social life.

i'm so fucking hungry, but i'm too exhausted to go out and get groceries.

this must be the most boring post ever, but you gotta start somewhere to get the ball rolling.

sheepshead bay is starting to feel like staten island again with the trains being all fucked up as they are.

hungry. tired. baked. stop bitching.

good evening lj! i refuse to say good morning. let me explain. I finally found a job back in February and it's a night job. at San Loco of all fucking places, so i'm back in the east village after having run away for almost 3 years. i ran off to chinatown and then brooklyn for jobs. blahhhh.............i dunno how i feel about it, some days i like it and others i really don't. i know that's what a job is and all, but i'm the kinda person that needs to love what they're doing.

i'm trying to figure out what that is. anyway, i;m working as a cashier again, but this time doing a little bartending since one of their locations has a little bar and 3 of them have a full bar. i can make a margarita with my eyes closed by now, but don't get to make other drinks as often as i wish i could.

too tired to continue writting. i'm off to bed.